10 Ways to Support a Grieving Family Through Pregnancy Loss

A year ago today, we lost our second baby. Later that year, we lost another baby. I had to watch my kids faces, as the ultrasound tech told us we weren't going to be hearing a heartbeat that day....Again. That was one of the worst moments in my life. Every joy and excitement dances with grief and sadness for us. It's a dance that we will forever be figuring out.

After talking to so many grieving families that have also lost babies, I found a common thread of things that help and hurt them, as they navigate the trenches of loss.

So today, in honor of all the families that have lost a baby/babies, I decided to share 10 tips for those that want to support these families in their journey of loss:

1. Don't compare your grief or try to relate. Period. It shuts them down and belittles them and the life they lost. Some of the worst things you can say is: “you understand”, “you know what they are going through”, “you've gone through grief in your own life”, etc...Less is more. "There are no words. I am so sorry. I love you.” is perfect.

2. The husband and kids are grieving and hurting just as much. They will all show it in different ways, but be patient and understanding. Include them.

3. Don't tell them that at least they have another child(ren), etc...

4. Don't try to replace the excitement of their new pregnancy with the loss of their previous baby. That new pregnancy is already FULL of struggles they are working through, due to the previous loss(es). Now, more than ever, talk about the lives they lost.  

5. Don't judge them for grieving 10, 20, 30 years down the road. The minute they see the positive results on a pregnancy test, that baby becomes a part of their life for the rest of their life. If they avoid certain triggers (holidays, big events, etc...), support their decision. There is no timetable for grief.

6. Don't wait for them to call you. Reach out. Be available, but don’t pressure them to take your help. Talk less, listen more.

7. There will forever be good days and bad days. Loss has changed them. They are struggling with finding their new normal. Be sensitive to this and love them through it. Let them know your love for them hasn't changed.

8. Forgive them if they are rude, short, forgetful, or don't seem interested in small talk and small issues anymore. Grief changes a person and their perspective on life forever. Give them grace and realize that it's most likely not about you at all.

9. Include them in your life. If you're loving them, they will forgive you if you accidentally say something wrong. Actions speak louder than words. Be a friend.

10. Tomorrow is April Fools...DON'T joke or participate in jokes about being pregnant. 1-4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Things you can do and things people have done for us that meant SO much:

1. Send them flowers.

2. Send them a gift card for a coffee date or dinner.

3. Offer to watch the kids (if they have any) and give the couple some much needed time alone to process the loss.

4. Send the kids fun gifts to cheer them up or invite them to do fun things with you.

5. Ask if you can pick up anything, while you're out shopping. 

6. Help them with any projects, chores, errands, etc...

7. Send them thoughtful gifts and notes that show you aren't forgetting their baby/babies they lost.

To all of you that have reached out to me and my family, during our losses, THANK YOU! We have felt so loved and supported by you. You've made this journey so much easier. We love you all!