WHY I FELT SAFER DATING A GUY THAT HAD NEVER SEEN ME

December 7th was our 12 year anniversary for the first time Caleb called me on the phone. A long distance relationship was not something I had ever envisioned, but here I was, about to start dating a guy I had never met in person.

Due to growing up in the purity culture, It felt safer. He had never seen a photo of me, prior to this (minus my tiny little profile photo on my college forum of me with two other people that he couldn’t make out).

He started talking to me, because my college coach recommended we talk, since we were both going for an equine degree that you couldn't do online. I needed help figuring out how to transfer credits to a college that was offering the degree I wanted. Caleb had already done the research, so it made sense to connect.

At the time though, I was terrified of guys and dating and had decided I would never get married. The purity culture had destroyed my trust in there being such a thing as a good man with morals that could keep from lusting if he saw a girl. The damage that was done through the purity culture was so extensive. The message that “All guys lust” was deemed completely normal and we were in charge of “Protecting their eyes” as “Sister’s in Christ”. Why would I get married to a guy that treated woman like objects instead of people. That claimed to be a Christian, yet acted nothing like a Christian.

Jesus never treated woman like objects. Guys claimed to have the power of the Holy Spirit in them, yet lived unashamedly in sin, treating the woman in their lives as evil objects and “stumbling blocks” and the “weaker vessel”. All the while, we were told that guys were the “head of the family” and were to make all the final decisions in the relationship and girls were to submit to them….BUT girls had to keep the guy from going too far (the weaker vessel), while dating, because guys would lose self-control while they were with the girl and could only stay pure if the girl made sure to put up the boundaries. The inconsistencies were unbelievable and the damage done to my own self-worth was, what felt like, unrepairable.

I was ashamed of being a girl. I despised my body. I hated the fact I had a figure, because I was attacked that much more over my body, due to it. I wished I had no hips. I wished I was a boy.

I was called horrific names to fear me into complying with the modesty standards of the week. There was so much spiritual abuse to keep us “in-line”. I walked on eggshells every day, wondering what the new “immodest” standard would be that I was unknowingly breaking and fearing what I’d be called as my character was attacked, as if I had purposely wore the clothes to “seek the wrong attention”.

I was only a kid. I used to be a little girl with confidence, but that was shattered before I even hit puberty.

Being in the midst of this damaging system, I met Caleb. I told him upfront that I didn’t trust him. I never shared a photo of myself with him and we only talked about the things we both loved (which were similar). He fell in love with who I was; Something I was shamed for being in my family, since it didn’t align to the “Proverbs 31 Woman” standards that had been cherry picked from that chapter. Caleb wanted to get to know ME. He cared about my thoughts and feelings. He thought my dreams and passions were amazing. He treated me like a human and respected me as a person that had a heart and soul, unlike the men and messages I was accustom to being around and believing.

I started to look forward to every chat we’d have and realized I actually missed him, when we couldn’t chat for a few days. Something changed in me. This culture I was brought up in, started to get exposed for what it was. A high-control religion that used fear, shame, guilt, condemnation, legalism, hate, control, manipulation, name calling, passive aggressiveness, and a whole lot of other versions of control and was all wrapped up into a pretty package called “Christianity”. Yet it was completely opposite of what Jesus preached. It was completely opposite of the “Fruits of the Spirit”. A religion that endlessly told me I was bad, dirty, sinful, and broken.

This was one of the kicks that helped me move away from harmful religion (the religious cult) and towards truth.

This journey has been anything but easy. The damages done have impacted every part of my life in one way or another and caused great pain in my marriage to a REALLY good man who loves me so very much and great pain in my relationship with a God who loves me so very much.

There are parts of my story I may never share. There are a lot of things I wrote and erased in this email. Parts of my story that I realized would be extremely uncomfortable for others to hear, even if it's something I endured and would certainly help protect me from people still trying to take the side of those that abused me.

Instead I am going to end with some truths He says about me and YOU.

Truths I wish 5 year old Amy knew when I was told to cover my body and hide it for it was inherently bad and dirty.

Truths I wish 9 year old broken Amy knew, when my changing body was shamed and hated and more of it was covered up.

Truths I wish 13 year old Amy, striving to be a “Proverbs 31 Woman” and proudly wearing my “Purity Ring” knew when I was told that my feet were causing an adult man to lust and I needed to cover them up to “protect his eyes”. The sins of an adult man were placed on the shoulders of a young girl.

Truths I wish 14 year old Amy knew when I was told that even my own Dad and brother may lust after me if I didn't wear shirts that were at least above the 2 finger below the collar bone level, sleeves that covered my shoulders, jeans that were at least 4 sizes too big, and a hoodie around my waist, even while horseback riding on a 80 degree day.

Truths I wish 17 year old dying Amy knew, when the stress of operating in the high-control religion had physically overtaken my body.

Truths that bring tears to my eyes every-time I read them and swap them out with the lies that I was brought to believe about myself as a young child and still struggle with to this very day.

Truths that I think of as I look at photos of younger Amy who tried so hard to be “good” and very much just wanted to be loved and accepted.

Truths I am working hard to give my own children.

Truths that you may need to be reminded of as well.

I am who He says I am:

I am His beloved one.

I am His Masterpiece.

I am complete.

I am free from sin.

I am wonderfully made.

I am a conqueror.

I am holy (pure and set apart)

I am worth more than gold.

I am dearly loved.

I am redeemed (totally set free).

I am created in His image.

I am one with Christ.

I am chosen.

I am a light.

I am called.

I am special to Him.

I am beautiful.

I am safe.

I am not alone.

I am not condemned.

I am not a slave.

I am accepted.

I’m a child of the King.

I am strong.

I am precious in His sight.

I am created for great and meaningful things and I am stepping out in that truth and using my voice, after years and years of being silenced, because this culture continues to abuse so many in the name of “Christianity". This is not Christianity. This is taking God's name in vain. This is using religion to control. This is what the Pharisees preached. This is what keeps people from a relationship with Christ. This is something I will no longer stay silent about it.